


The Crazy Bread

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack, Fourth Wall OBLITERATED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:18:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will and Djaq discuss the events of season 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Crazy Bread

Will stared over at his beloved wife, who sat across from him at their table, holding Robin's letter in her hands.

"So..." He began, "Robin and Gisborne are brothers?"  
"No, they share a brother." Corrected Djaq. "His name is Archer."  
"Archer?!" Will scoffed. "That's not a name. That's a job description. _Honestly._ "  
"It would be funny if the name were ironic, like _Little_ John." Djaq said, smiling. "Thanks to him, I now get the English expression _'hung like a horse.'_ "  
Will groaned. "And thanks to him, I get to be self-conscious for the rest of my natural life."

Djaq chuckled, before leaning across the table and planting a sweet kiss on his lips.

"You are hung well enough for me, my love." She told him as Will blushed.

"I take it this Archer is as good of a shot as Robin?" Will then asked.  
"Yes. And he is apparently quite skilled with a sword as well." Answered Djaq.  
"Then why didn't they name him 'Swordsman?'" Will joked.  
"Because he has a birthmark shaped like an arrowhead." Djaq rolled her eyes. "Convenient, is it not?"

Will scoffed, shaking his head. "I bet he's a troublemaker, too, right? Probably uses some sort of scientific trickery to fool rich men into thinking he's magic while he has sex with their wives?"

Djaq nodded, smiling. "Apparently, he is what would result if Robin and Gisborne were able to have children together."

Will groaned loudly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Oh God. I don't think I'll ever be able to get _THAT_ image out of my mind."

Djaq giggled. "Archer seems to have the worst traits of each brother." She said.

"Wait, I think I understand it now. Gisborne's..." Will began.  
"...Mother..." Answered Djaq.  
"...And Robin's father..." Will continued.  
"...Did the naughty..." Said Djaq.  
"...And had Archer..." Said Will.  
"...While Gisborne's father was on a crusade..." Continued Djaq.  
"...Even though there was no crusade happening when all of this was going on. So..."  
"...Archer is Robin and Gisborne's half-brother, but they themselves are not brothers. And now..."  
"...I need a drink?" Said Will, smiling at Djaq. She laughed at him.

"That would mean Robin and Gisborne knew each other as children." Will continued. "I never even got the impression they knew each other at all."  
"They did." Answered Djaq, thrusting the parchment towards her husband. "See?"

Will studied the parchment closely, noticing the messily scrawled words along the side of the letter. _"You were a stupid little git. I was not. Yes, you were. Was not. Was, too. Was not. Was, too. Shut up. Make me."_ Will read, scratching some deep red spots splattered across the parchment with his finger. "Is that blood?" He asked.

Djaq nodded.

"I guess not much has changed there." Will said, chuckling, as he handed the parchment back to his wife.  
"Except that Gisborne is now a member of the gang." Added Djaq.  
"WHAT?!" Will yelled, grabbing the parchment from her and skimming it quickly, his eyes wide with shock. "No way... what about all that stuff with Marian?"  
"I guess they do not mention it." Replied Djaq, sighing. "After all, Robin has had two new women since. There was Kate..."

Will shuddered at her name. "...The shriek..." He said.

"...And Isabella." Added Djaq.  
"Isabella? Wait, isn't that Gisborne's sister?" Will asked, looking confused and slightly horrified.  
"It is." Djaq replied, nodding.  
"So, Robin was snogging his sister...er...his brother's sister... no, his brother's _half_ -sister." Will said, groaning. "Oh lord, I'm never going to be able to keep up with this."

Djaq giggled at her husband, reaching over and caressing his cheek gently with her hand.

Will took her hand and kissed it gently, smiling back at her. He then sighed, tossing the parchment onto the table. "We leave, and look at the mess they get themselves into." He said.  
"I know. They are hopeless without us." Djaq replied, chuckling.  
"So, what do you think, my love? Head injury?"  
"It is too widespread for that." Djaq replied. "Sounds like poisoning. Ergotism."  
"Ergotism?" Questioned Will, looking quite confused.  
"Your people call it 'St. Anthony's fire.' It comes from ergot, a fungus which infects rye." Djaq answered. "When ingested, it makes people hallucinate. It also causes burning pain, gangrene and dancing."  
"Dancing?!" Will asked, incredulously.  
"Oh yes." Djaq nodded.  
"Robin didn't mention dancing, though." Will pointed out.  
"But it has been a full month since that letter was written." Djaq said. She then smiled at him mischeivously. "Robin and Gisborne could be slow dancing together by now. Perhaps even kissing!"  
"GAAAAAH!!!" Will yelled, his face falling into his hand as he tried to clear the image from his mind. "Why do you do that to me?!"

Djaq reached across the table and planted a passionate kiss on Will's lips.

"Because it is funny, my love." Djaq giggled as she broke away from the kiss.

Will smiled at her, grinning from ear to ear and sighed contentedly.

"So, do we save the day again?" He asked her. Djaq nodded.  
"Always." She replied smiling. "I'll prepare the antidote. You write the letter."

As Djaq walked off towards her apothecary workshop to prepare the antidote, Will hopped up and grabbed a sheet of parchment, an inkwell and a quill from a nearby shelf, and sat back down at the table. Dipping his quill into the ink, he began to scribble furiously on the parchment.

> Dear Robin,
> 
> I hope this letter finds you well (you're not dancing with Gisborne, are you?) Enclosed is a jar of medicine - an antidote for the poison you’ve ingested. You and the gang should take two spoonfuls per day until your hallucinations and craziness subside.
> 
> And, for God's sake, stop putting so much rye in your bread!
> 
> Forever saving your arses,  
>  \- Will and Djaq


End file.
